are you at the top of the mountain?

a line from the video of my favourite song. current favourite that is. it's all about love, hurt and joy. memories and collectibles that make the pain bearable. but which undeniably, beautifully enrich your life.

so the metaphor of being at the top of the mountain is quite apt. take the risk, put yourself out there. you might be hurt, but the feeling of being alive with unbearable, oppressive, pain is unmatched.

and that's all i have to say today.

Equanimity. With Gumption.

is that even possible, i ask myself. on the one hand you're trying to remain calm...treat both success and failure as but two sides of the same coin. and you can remind yourself to do that in most situations. or at least some.

but when someone you think knows you inside out, who has no reason to criticise you without meaning it (or at least without there being some truth in it) does so, then the anger (why are they being so mean?), disbelief (how can they say that - don't they know how far from the truth that really is?) and self-pity (no one really understands or knows me) can begin to, quite quickly, turn to dismay (am i really like that then? is my self-image in my head not what people see me as?).

it's hard to maintain equanimity then. because the hurt stings. more so because it comes from where you least expect it to. so you tend to begin doubting yourself and go a bit down under. what you need in these situations though, is a dash of gumption. because even if your loved ones are right, they are looking at it from their perspective. it is their right. not yours. it might be the moment, their state of mind, the situation, that's making them think that way.

and if you reflect a bit, you will think of several concrete examples when you know that your self image is not wrong, it was perhaps just at a different place and time which may be eclipsed to them for now. but they have sen it in the past, and will see it again in future. there can be no doubt about that. and most importantly, whether you're seeing their perspective now or not, and they're seeing your perspective now or not, both exist.

so take a deep breath, dig in and draw up the positive self image which exists and conjure that image up with gumption. which brings back the equilibrium. the equanimity.

So my two thoughts for this year. find the gumption. and don't loose the equanimity

Pay it forward

Hello blog! it has been a while...2 years since i resolved to write more. what a spectacular failure that resolution was. it takes much more than a will to write, for the writing to start. it needs a cacaphony of words inside your head; words that you cannot utter, words that you are afraid will slip out of your lips, unwittingly.

and so, instead, you write. and so i write. and write i will about love. i read one of my old posts about the feast of love, a movie i watched and loved. and i was struck by how we need to re-learn some lessons. about the fluidity of love, about not grudging a loved one their love. and i believe that love need not be returned, but could be paid forward. and so when someone says they love you, embrace it with all your being, because you need not return it. instead, you could pass it on to someone else, who may also not return it, but pass it on....and so on.

it will hurt. it will hurt firstly when your love is not returned. and it will hurt to not be able to return as well. different sorts of hurt, different in intensity and sting, but hurtful nevertheless.

you will fly with the highs, and feel like you're going to drown in the lows. but in reality, you will stay afloat. and then, hopefully, at some point in the future, you will begin to swim again. set out in the direction that you want to. brave the currents, ride the waves. feel the ecstacy and forget the agony.

i'll let you know when i get there.