are you at the top of the mountain?

a line from the video of my favourite song. current favourite that is. it's all about love, hurt and joy. memories and collectibles that make the pain bearable. but which undeniably, beautifully enrich your life.

so the metaphor of being at the top of the mountain is quite apt. take the risk, put yourself out there. you might be hurt, but the feeling of being alive with unbearable, oppressive, pain is unmatched.

and that's all i have to say today.

Equanimity. With Gumption.

is that even possible, i ask myself. on the one hand you're trying to remain calm...treat both success and failure as but two sides of the same coin. and you can remind yourself to do that in most situations. or at least some.

but when someone you think knows you inside out, who has no reason to criticise you without meaning it (or at least without there being some truth in it) does so, then the anger (why are they being so mean?), disbelief (how can they say that - don't they know how far from the truth that really is?) and self-pity (no one really understands or knows me) can begin to, quite quickly, turn to dismay (am i really like that then? is my self-image in my head not what people see me as?).

it's hard to maintain equanimity then. because the hurt stings. more so because it comes from where you least expect it to. so you tend to begin doubting yourself and go a bit down under. what you need in these situations though, is a dash of gumption. because even if your loved ones are right, they are looking at it from their perspective. it is their right. not yours. it might be the moment, their state of mind, the situation, that's making them think that way.

and if you reflect a bit, you will think of several concrete examples when you know that your self image is not wrong, it was perhaps just at a different place and time which may be eclipsed to them for now. but they have sen it in the past, and will see it again in future. there can be no doubt about that. and most importantly, whether you're seeing their perspective now or not, and they're seeing your perspective now or not, both exist.

so take a deep breath, dig in and draw up the positive self image which exists and conjure that image up with gumption. which brings back the equilibrium. the equanimity.

So my two thoughts for this year. find the gumption. and don't loose the equanimity

Pay it forward

Hello blog! it has been a while...2 years since i resolved to write more. what a spectacular failure that resolution was. it takes much more than a will to write, for the writing to start. it needs a cacaphony of words inside your head; words that you cannot utter, words that you are afraid will slip out of your lips, unwittingly.

and so, instead, you write. and so i write. and write i will about love. i read one of my old posts about the feast of love, a movie i watched and loved. and i was struck by how we need to re-learn some lessons. about the fluidity of love, about not grudging a loved one their love. and i believe that love need not be returned, but could be paid forward. and so when someone says they love you, embrace it with all your being, because you need not return it. instead, you could pass it on to someone else, who may also not return it, but pass it on....and so on.

it will hurt. it will hurt firstly when your love is not returned. and it will hurt to not be able to return as well. different sorts of hurt, different in intensity and sting, but hurtful nevertheless.

you will fly with the highs, and feel like you're going to drown in the lows. but in reality, you will stay afloat. and then, hopefully, at some point in the future, you will begin to swim again. set out in the direction that you want to. brave the currents, ride the waves. feel the ecstacy and forget the agony.

i'll let you know when i get there.

Endings….and beginnings

2013 was a year of triumphs and challenges. Full of professional highs – I worked in high pressure environments with high profile people, delivered and won accolades, even got a promotion. But I also discovered new dynamics at work, not so pleasant ones. And that got me considerably down. My personal life was less choppy, but challenged me nevertheless. I learnt how tiring dealing with a teenage daughter can be, and how inadequate and unprepared you can feel at times. And I learnt that whilst it’s wonderful to have my husband back home to share parenting blues, amongst other things, with, sometimes it is wiser to deal with things yourself. I turned a glorious 40, and got so much love from family, old friends and new friends that I was overwhelmed. I felt pampered and spoilt, and enjoyed every bit of it. I had new experiences – I voted for the first time ever – and felt proud to have done so. And I ended the year having seen and spent time with some of my favourite people in this world, some of whom I see every day, others every month and some once a year or even less. Just thinking about them all makes me smile and feel blessed.

 

2014 began by the ocean, my favourite place in the world, with my loved ones. And in the last 15 days I have continued to spend time with people who I love, who are important to me because they add value to my life in ways which cannot be measured. Which is far more important than how people who mean much less to me, perceive me.

 

This year, I want to end a few things and begin a few. I will write more, I will stay in touch with people more, I will do the things that give me pleasure but also feel right to me more. I will try to get less stressed about unimportant things, I will care less about making everyone happy all the time. I will worry less about not being certain all the time and be okay with gradually feeling my way around to the solution. I will complain less. And I will be happier.

 

Bon 2014!

Managing Challenges

challenges can be challenging. it's all very well to say that they are exciting and help one grow and learn and all of that, but the bottom line is that they are challenging. they make sure that you're stretched - emotionally and physically. they can make you feel enormous waves of self pity. sometimes, they can also make you abusive. and in all likelihood, challenges can make you feel like a fuel tank that's running on 'empty'.

the trick i think, more than managing the challenge, is managing your expectations of how you manage the challenge. there will be times when you won't be perfect. or within the multitude of tasks you're juggling, one or two will not be perfectly done. that's the time to sit down and tell yourself "it's ok. i tried. and this is the best that's possible now."

and the beauty of it is, that when you're through, there comes an overwhelming sense of exhilaration and peace, along with the knowledge that you can actually take on the world! ok that's stretching it, but you'll know that you can certainly take on a lot! the next time a challenge comes knocking at your door, you'll be saying "come on! show me what you've got. cos i know i've got what it takes to take you on!"

Reflections: the power of one

as i looked around the room, here is what i saw:

an old couple. they started with coffee and as the evening wore on, progressed to wine. sitting side by side, talking infrequently, yet saying so much to each other. an occasional touch, the knowing smiles, the comfort of being with each other. love.
san and i.

a mother and her daughter. tired after a long day of sightseeing. laughing and talking. ordering sandwiches and milkshakes. bonding.
tia and i. ray and i.

two friends. getting high on champagne. talking about their loves, their lives. what they had lost and what they had found. time stood still for them. happiness.
m and i. s and i. d and i.

a young man. alone. with beer. peace.
i.

are we all simply reflections of each other?
are our lives intertwined in a way that is inexplicable?
is the universe really one?

Missing....

today i am missing...

.....the smell of wet pine

.....watching the mountains gradually dissapear under a veil of grey clouds as i sip my morning cup of tea

.....my late evening solitary swim under the starlit sky

.....the sound of the mountains, wind and river

.....a lazy breakfast of freshly baked croissants, eggs and ham

but i musn't complain, for amidst the emptiness of missing these things, remains the fullness of the memories. and finally that is what matters.